How to help someone “fix” themselves. (becoming a better version of themselves)
As part of trying to help those around me for friendship, business and to feel good. I have learnt to understand people, their problems and trying to help them find ways out. This is what makes me a good coach/mentor because I am learning none stop. I learnt the following from a clinical psychologist. I have made this page as notes for me to come back to later, and maybe other people will save this link.
Do they want to sort themselves out?
Start by listening to what they have to say
Let them talk about their concerns and outline what the potential solutions would be
Don’t offer much advice
Don’t steal their accomplishment from them, it may interfere with the probability of them implementing the solution for continued success
Ask them what they don’t feel is right about their life, let people talk about their problems
They will complain about more things than they are upset or resentful about because they have gathered up irritation, aggravations and fears that have been unspoken about, and that will have been upsetting them emotionally, but they may not know why they have been upsetting them emotionally until they articulate them, that have been some may resist because they do not want to burden you with their problems but they need to get it off their chest. They need to get their cards on the table, some people might struggle to find reasons why they are suffering from problems, you need to be patient even if it holds accusations about you. They will take 60-70% of the cards off the table straight away, leaving the genuine problems left.
Ask them what a solution might look like? If they say they don’t know, they might not want to think about it, they might need some pressure or encouragement to vision what the solution would look like to solve the problem, maybe they need to think about some small steps towards a solution.
What could you do this week that will make that problem slightly better? Whats practical, maybe a few ideas needed to work towards finishing the problem may help.
How can we simplify the problem?
What will a solution look like that they will find successful?
What would the strategies be to attain that solution?
Maybe the less painful solution to start with? They need to make some small steps that will make things less horrible than they currently are.
They need the humility to accept they don’t have a solution, the willingness to face the problem, the willingness for others to formulate the problem, let them decide on their own solutions to change their character, it will take a lot of patience to let them stumble across a solution. It doesn’t matter what you know about fixing the problem, if you give advice there is a certain element of theft from that.
What are their resentments, are they expecting someone to change? Do they want themselves to change? Someone to learn? Do they just want to express themselves?
They should be aiming at medium to long term peace